Blessed beyond measure, yet doubt and turmoil resonates within this body that used to be wild and free. I have every reason to not feel this way, and the pillars of support that have always been there are still there and will remain, but this independent spirit can’t shake the feeling of being helpless, powerless and shame.
Blood ties said to me the other day, “Never be too proud” and “Chalk everything up to experience,” things I used to believe and thought I internalized, but that was during a time when sustenance was a surplus and satisfaction was caped beneath a false sense of happiness that came in mail-order packages and gourmet endeavors.
Leaving all that behind to feed the creative and intellectual hunger has been worth it.. But the stress of not even being able to take care of yourself and those you love is heartbreaking. Having to ask for help was never my forte and the need to do it when I’m at a stage at life when I feel I shouldn’t have to leaves bruises on places that I don’t know how to tend to.
My father said to me once, “I have high expectations of you because you’ve shown me drive, determination, passion and fearlessness,” and to feel like I’m letting him down for not having anything to show for those qualities…. is far worse than the disappointment I feel for myself.
And that’s a pitiful thing to say or to feel, because when you have so many people in your corner, there is no absolute reason to throw up the white flag or to even consider defeat. When you have that said determination mentality tattooed across your arm for the world to see, well…. what else is there to do but to dry your tears and keep it movin’.
Folks say “the worst they can say is no,” but they also used to say that the pen is mightier than the sword.